quiet happiness

he said he loved me.















and i love him back.

Bippety Boppety Boop

Oh Cinderella is so cliche', but I would probably give a half a million to have a fairy godmother right now. I would ask for some new shoes (preferably flat soled and as cute as my kinzies) and then for some guidance. I do not think that I deserve to be in the position that I am in, and sure, I think that it all really just sucks. But am I doing the right thing? Fairy godmother??

Ick, I am so stupidly unstable right now.

I am going to try to start over. Friend L. said that I need to discipline my mind for the time being. I need to stop doing the things that enevitably wind up hurting me and then get on with life, as L. says, "doing the things you loved to do before this all started/ended/started again." She's right. What were those things?

park
friends
books
coffee shops
work
writing
poetry

I think I live somewhat too simply. I really miss the bustle of the city, the heighten sense of always having company even when you were lonely. When I felt alone I would just go to the park and sit under a tree with about a hundred other people around me. But yet, I was comforted there. I was still alone but still surrounded. I loved walking down my street, in my neighborhood, winding up in the busiest center of the world. I miss that. Then, I think, oh but I miss the lovlieness of home, the country, the solitude of the stars and the middle of the road.

Where is the middle? Where is happiness? Is it here or there?

I am a rambling mess and it is at times like this that I am truly fearful of the life I am living. Where will I be in two years and who will I be with?

Time moves too quickly.

Today's Lesson

to forgive, to move on, to push forward, to stop and listen, and to be aware of everything. to spend time away, to spend time here, to show love, show friendship, and show the ugly, to conceal the crazy, to let the air come in, and to give affection when affection is worthy.

i love yet i have lost. isn't that always true?

Today I wept. I rarely weep with such force but today I did. For the first time in my life I know what it means to have fallen into a miraculous spell, to finally have the feeling (for the first time) that my whole life means this person, the next moments, until our moments are gone. Today I felt a loss greater than any in my life and everyone I love is still here. I just sensed the lonliness I may eventually feel.


In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.









I am in love.

top ten things to do with autumn approaching

1. Read in the park with a thermos of tea

2. work on drafts of poems on a picnic table somewhere

3. dance and play leaves that someone has raked up in their yard

4. go on long hikes

5. play on empty playgrounds

6. watch a movie on cloudy afternoons with bunches of blankets and pillows

7. go for a drive to somewhere new

8. pick out pumpkins

9. have a bonfire party

10. take sunset strolls, enjoying the sun on the dying leaves

Crab Apples

I hate not knowing.


Some days it is easier just to just wish you had never been there at that moment...



i just wish things were always easier.

I keep thinking about Merle

The ambiguity of the last post has been bothering me. I probably am not going to make it less so but by writing a new post hopefully I will draw my audience away from the last one.

Someone related to me recently that they felt good about the new relationship that they were in. I asked how that she knew for certain that she was doing the right thing and she replied, rather simply, "I just can't seem to stop thinking about him." Maybe it's the old romantic heart that rests inside of me but I found her words to be truthful and touching and achingly similiar to the same feelings I have right now. I won't divludge anymore on this issue except that I am suddenly happy and am finding myself (in CS Lewis' words) surprised by joy.

In other news:

These rainy Seattle days are rather alluring. I might be idealizing but I think that these misty mornings and cool damp evenings are the poets choice of day. We cannot help but write in weather like this. Unfortunately we cannot be certain that what we write is going to be good.

I researched more literary mags last night. Must must must get published this semester. That would be a good goal to set for myself.

apprehension, i won the spelling bee

i remember vaguely receiving the word: apprehension at a spelling bee. i was correct, i was the champion. funny how life likes to repeat itself. i have just been asked to spell apprehension but despite the fact that i know how to spell the word- i can't seem to get the letters straight... do you know what i mean?

i am apprehensive. maybe b/c i already have the knowledge that i claim i need. maybe this intense and ugly feeling is not because i don't know how to spell the word, but that i know exactly how the word is to be spelled. (are you keeping up with the ambiguity?)

what if... what if i know all about spelling bees and words and at this point, right now, i feel as though i am supposed to play dumb? what if... i think that i should be where i am now...for the rest of my life. . . . will we always be this unhappy? or am i the only one that is unhappy here? what if i am meant to be unhappy so that happiness may exist for the other?

i... well, i don't know the answer. i should mention that i lied anyway. i wasn't the champion- but apprehension kept me in the race to the finals. i was a little let down but the experience was good, i remember that. i also remember knowing that i really didn't lose anything at all except for a little pride and that fact alone is why this analogy could never work. in the end i would lose a whole book of things.

it's just so sweet.

It's Like the Sky Just Fell Right Down On Top of Us

and this whirl wind of a life i am living in right now. my frustration alludes to the fact that i might have lost a bit of my mind after returning to the country. i filled like a scrambled egg mess. in the end of it all the mess takes into account that i haven't fully adjusted to the life here after finally adjusting to life "over there" and now i have assignments and due dates plus a bunch of interesting peoples papers to grade. and then don't forget to add in some peppering of boy and coffee house that steals the heart. . .

oh la la la at least it rained these last few days. i can't help but wonder if england got any of this curious weather. i hope fall rains down in the next few weeks so that slowly as the weather cools the leaves change and by october we have a fantastical explosion of colors that could make anyone melt. (...and i wonder what this autumn will entail?...)

i am overwhelmed, i admit, but i am happy. content and justifiably so. i am just a little scattered.

maybe that part of me fell over the sea.





ps- i had forgotten the timeless classic film singing in the rain and now i am reminded of how truly wonderful and hypnotizing it is- i have fallen victim to Gene Kelly's smile, once again :)

Truly, Save the Dandelions

Calling: All those who have survived the HeatWave (capital HW) and their yards.

Noticed: Lack of dandelions

Cause: intense sunlight, lack of H2O, and the typical response to mow even the brown stuff.

I am distraught. I am upset. I may not be able to complete on full sentence on the terrifying effects of Global Warming. While you and your SUV are cooled perfectly to a splendid 70 degrees please notice (to your left, out your auto window) the lack of nature's true beauty: dandelions.

So what they are considered a weed, the dandelion is one of the most aggressive herbs in the world. Not only is the heatwave killing them softly with its song, the brown crunchy thing that is not grass is also a sad effect on what we used to call grass (this latter substance I believe belongs in the hay and uncomfortable family). Yet you don't see articles printed about the death of dandelions, or for the higher good trees and heysus- even grass! GW (that is: Global Warming) has not received the right media attention. And while I am on the phone everyday dialing SuV dealer's and telling them to take the latest Lexus trend off the line, I know that nothing short of a miracle will stop the madness. Lexus won't listen, the hybrid is still too scary to be driven, dandelions have died, and today it was a freaking gazillion degrees outside-- a bird could die in that heat!

Please- I beg of you. Take this to heart:

Save the Dandelions Ye Merry Soldiers, Save them One Valuable Soul at a Time.

Yum Yum

In order for America to really sink in, it only took on trip to the loo upon arrival. Many airports, train stations, ferry ports later I have only encounter the sani-stall in one place in the whole entire world- chicago ohare airport. the thing is absolutely amazing! first you place your hand in front of a sensor that senses you. then it moves cling wrap around the toilet seat. you are always garaunteed a clean seat! now really- is this necessary? I am just glad that there are sinks in the same area as the loo!

Still though, I could spend about 15 billion hours reflecting on the numerous conversations that began with "Oh you're from the US?" But let's just make a short summary (just in case you were curious): People in the UK generally favour the US citizens, but not Bush (but they have the same feelings towards Blair and the Royals- so there ;-) ). The UK is filled with people from other countries. Sometimes you search desperately to find someone who is british in london. Londoner's love American girls and so do Italians, French men and Grecians. They love us a whole lot and love to tell us that they love us. It's quite charming for a brief second and that's it. A lot of people think that driving more than 2 hours anywhere is plain ignorant. i would agree with them, but it's a neccessity (but almost always if you discuss mileage and distance with londoner's they are shocked by the way we travel). About half the people who discover you are american always ask this question: so what do you think of London? No, really what do you think? -- They cannot imagine a reason to come to the UK when in the US you have everything. But- enough of this!

I am home, home home home home. A strange feeling (maybe it's because I am still technically in an airport). I am a bit overwhelmed but life will sort it's way out- it always does.

stay tuned- i will have more to say later!

Yes, the world is as round as a baguette

But really, who didn't know that?

France: what can you say about Paris? It doesn't smell like I thought it would, it's full of french words that I can actually pronounce but have no clue of their meaning. We had a blast, missed our first train from London and then took the eurostar through the chunnel to the big city. We walked, we talked, we forgot about the H2O in the damned heat and we cursed ourslelves for walking five miles to the louvre, when we could have just taken a bus :-) But then, as night fell, and the lights lit up the Eiffel Tower- day one was not a bust, but the first day of an adventure. The next day we climbed and climbed and climbed to the middle of the eiffel tower (688 steps) and then spent the day admiring the art at the Louvre- until Casie got kicked out for taking illegal pictures (hehehe). Notre Dame was great, a nice place to sit if anything and really feel the weight of gothic architecture.

Day two was a trip in a train (oh-we only traveled by boat and train until the end- we flew) to Venice. But wait- pit stop, in Switzerland? Who knew we would end up there? Especially with cabin friend Chris who went to MoState with the both of us (small small world). Few hours later, switzerland was pretty but italia here we come. And Venice was exactly how I pictured it.

Venice was rows of colored houses and hung laundry and boats in canals. It was street vendors and italian food vendors. It was hecklers on bridges and homeless on church steps. It was tiring (a day and half on a train later) and we were camping. But that night we endured what felt like a tropical storm and spent the evening in a candlelit bar (super romantic if we weren't all wet ;-) ). The next day, Rome.

Rome, in one day on 40 Euros, and were loving it. I had been to Rome once before but the second day around was super. We did everything there was to do except the Vatican (near impossible with a line stretching close to three miles). I finally saw the Piazza di Spagna which was the inspiration for Richard Wilbur's poem of that same name. W e had a beautiful time.

Finally to Greece. Corfu Island, by Ben's suggestion- Sun Rock hostel. This is important- stay there! We swam the clear ocean, got golden tans, and slept and slept on the beach, went the wrong way to a nudist beach, indulged in a mud bath, and ate all sorts of authentic greek food. Met some awesome aussie's (who hasn't really?) and had a dreamy time. I imagine Corfu will be a place I visit again and again.

We ended our trip back at Venice and by that time we had taken all forms of travel but plane, slept in train stations, ferry ports, ferry decks, and beaches, ate nothing, ate big meals, had our first espresso in a week. Nottinghill was tempting but home is even more so. We flew back to London, slept in the airport (haha) and came back to Nottinghill this afternoon. Home sounds good though. I miss faces and hugs and you.

Pictures will be on their way soon as will I.

Much Love,
Meg

I'm in Love

okay, so maybe not "in love" technically but man I have this strange feeling inside...haha.

What has inspired all of this you may be begging?

today's jovial walk in holland park, the theatrical raid of nottinghill's thrift stores, and the creative summons of fish markets and hidden bookstores, all after my refreshing siesta under a willow in hyde park.

have i meantioned yet that england is melting? as is the rest of the world... you probably know this. crazy though. london is not used to the heat and so death rates are up, murder rates our up, crime rates- up, and sexual deviant rates- definitely up. while working on finding the perfect tree in hyde park i had to practically fight off the men with my excellent karate moves. What's your name baby? Where you from? can I take you home with me?

Seriously can somebody please inform these men on the those cheesy pick up lines out there. I would rather be flattered by cheese than by their stench :-)

But the heat has really driven this city wild. Papers yesterday were screaming out against the bus systems. Inside a double decker it's about 40 C and the bus drivers will get fired if they wear shorts. That's ridiculous since buses are the only affordable transport around and then the tubes are filled with crazy heads. Sarah from work as well as other friends have been harassed by some of the many that the heat has turned into slight psychos. Not that the tube is dangerous at all. I mean I think transport police were there in a matter of seconds-but still, it's interesting to see what happens to a city as it melts.

I am thriving though. Still trying to beat the unbearable with pimms and vodka on ice and tons and tons of sparkling water. The not-so-distant beaches of greece are looking super satisfying and before too long we will be there- holing up somewhere, just to relax.

Tomorrow...is my last day at starbucks. I might actually miss that group of people- but not the job. Potter's House- I am coming home to you baby :-)

Ps- some good things have come out of this heat- par exemple: they are handing out a billion gallons of free bottled water everywhere in this city. today just on my brisk walk through nottinghill and holland park I had snuck away a few bottles and had the opportunity for more. Gotta love those free samples.

So the World keeps Moving

I am gently reminded of this statue I saw once. A tree trunk broken in half, the top bending over the base. Etched in it is this quote from Rilke :

"And we who have always thought of happiness, climbing, would feel the emotion that almost startles when happiness falls."

Never in my life has this been more true of many things all at once. And now I believe I am that tree trunk. A series of things this year has contributed to this feeling. The thing about all of this is that in the end it's not about the climbing or falling of happiness but the fact that happiness existed at all. A new tree can blossom in the place of the old one. The saddest part is that the best part had not yet been experienced. oh the way life throws these little rain clouds at ya!

On to Ireland and Dublin- what a magical place. I will surely go back to that place soon. Dublin is full of color and character. Pubs and pubs to fill the heart with good cheer and wine. Music to get your hearts pumping. The beautiful Bray which is on the Irish Sea filled us with awe and wonder. We climbed a hill that reminded us of a small mountain, looked to our right to the never ending gray sea and to our left the lovely rolling hills of Ireland. I will never have regrets about that trip. It was something I will beg to do again and again.

Soon we are traveling again this time we will be in Paris for one day. Italy for two. Greece for four and then finally back home to the states. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown past us and to be honest I will be sad to leave this city I have come to call home. I love it here. But I love you more and am returning to people and not a city.

All that has transpired between us know this- love is full for you my friends.

Good Ol Amos and Maxi Pads in our way

I don't talk much about the Clanricarde flat except for its location and Herbet the Electricity Machine...did I mention that Herbet's lock was never really locked and now we aren't paying for electricity? This is wonderful. We are saving tons of money right now. tons.

No, but our cozy flat has its wonderful kooks. I shower up on the english third (american fourth) floor because it's the cleanest shower in our house and it smells least like old man poop. I go potty up there as well (this makes for an interesting dash when you really gotta go). Our window (besides being upwind from our neighbor's bathroom) has the perfect view of a concrete and two maxi pads have found their residence there. I have no idea why people threw maxi pads out their window but Casie and I find it enjoyable to stare at them for seconds and then look away in disgust. hehe. But- alas! I am not complaining. Because of these kooks and quirks I have come to love 43 Clanricarde with ALL of my heart. I enjoy this small flat and its absurdities. I even find it comforting to come home to someplace simple, and inconvienant.

Tonight I purposefully made no plans. I have two days off in a row and I wanted to fill them up to the top. Possibilities surround Soho, Abbey Road, Covent Gardens, and The British Art Museum. But it all really just depends on the weather (aka- rainy and cold- Abbey Road and The British Art Museum, hot and sunny- Covent Gardens and Soho). I might go to St. James park for a picnic lunch if the sun decides to shine again. Silly old starbucks wanted me to work tomorrow at portobello market. I said noway hosea. That place is chaos. Any starbucks in the middle of a tourist attraction (aka, the one I work in) is chaos. Send me to the starbucks in the corner of nottinghill that no one goes to...ppppllllleeeeaaassee.

I might want to own my own laundromat someday. Casie thinks that I'm insane. But I would love to have a vintage laundromat all to myself. But, it would be a classy laundromat- reasonably and I would painted it pea green with bright blue washing machines. The idea would be that it would be next to that "funky" coffee house I want to own someday and maybe down on the corner from both the laundromat and coffee house would be that bed and breakfast/house that I would live in. Sound likes a plan, eh? haha.

Oh and world cup update, England won, and so did some other teams. (can you tell that I'm into it??) I love that this whole country is infected with world cup disease. Flags, bags, tshirts, mugs, faces, chests, everything is red and white here. oh and speaking of red and white...my favorite fireworks celebration is coming up. We are floating down the Thames with a bunch of Americans on a big boat. I think Miss Mary Chiles from MoState is coming to stay before her brief excursion to Cambridge. Fun, fun.

i saw a sign yesterday advertising a rare picasso exhibition. I must go look into that.


i miss everyone so much. I am desperately seeking emails from friends- what is life like back at home?





ps- happy birthday to joe today

rosy business

no doubt this might be something that some magazines encourage but the reality is that most men (i'm almost sure of this) do not enjoy the receiving of flowers at their place of work. maybe the occassional, honey i brought home some lilies, but a single stem rose in a vase with a box of chocolate to a business of all men--maybe overboard. but today, an architect at work, recieved just that. hilarity ensued. though ian (the boss) thought the gesture was plain lovely. Ah, the love of the english!

The Elected was a fantastic show. the venue was everything i thought it would be. grimy, low key, beer (am and british), and horrible lighting. gotta love it. its not about the place, its about the music. and the opportunity. not only was i graced by the presence of bass player nate but also lead singer blake sennett came across our paths outside water rats before the show. then post show we caught up with nate again and drummer mike. it was fantastic. casie loved it too (enough to buy a cd).

sat and sun was non too productive. i worked and worked and worked. and slept when i didn't work. all i can say is that pay day should be sweetly arriving.

I uploaded a few pictures again on flickr. And here is a webaddress to put in your url in case you want to see even more:
http://smsu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2037450&l=d8cbb&id=34301513

all my love,
m.

Salad Days

todays google word of the day is actually two words, or a phrase. i felt compelled to email them. instead however, i am writing this post. Salad days.

Today has had the potential of being a horribly-awful-no-good-very-bad-rotten-day. but. i have been strong headed, i refuse to let the little things get me down. i started off by writing an e-vent to my friend christy who will probably read it and wonder what kind of drugs they are feeding me. but the e-vent was very helpful. calmed my nerves. you are probably wondering why this day has had such poor potential- let's see. it started off with no alarm. folks - it's my last day at work. i have been early every single day since starting at evolve and it's my last day and i am going to be l.a.t.e. i have no idea why the alarm didn't go off (i remember turning it on, i woke up and it was on- just not ringing) but nevermind that. i had to get dressed, fast! so i pull on clothes i wore just two days ago and were dirty. pulled my gross air up into two pigtails (disgusting), try to do some sort of makeup (didn't work) and grabbed my bag, shoes in hand, and out the door. tube is experiencing severe delays at the circle line (dammit) so i wait- 20minutes for the stupid thing (there is no other option). I get to Farringdon at last! everyones late, i saw a guy fall down the steps at the station (he's having a worse day than me, no doubt). I get a gift outside (cool! bonus points. I think God is laughing at me). I finally run into the office and am greeted with the looks of concern. Are you alright? feeling okay today Megan? haha. Yep- this is called- the unkempt look. it's in style, right??

so in order to keep my spirits up my boss asks me to work another day ! yay! the (very very nice) salary of one more day was more than thrilling. then the guys took me out for lunch! (even better!) and now I am enjoying pomegranate juice while writing a blog about how bad the day has been but really--i am doing fine.

no doubt to- i will be happier tonight. I get to go see The Elected. The band is fronted by the other half of Rilo Kiley- Blake Sennett and is undoubtably one of this years biggest hits in my book. They have a catchy sort of pop, but eclectic enough to not annoy me. Their biography says that they summon "everything from early Grateful Dead, The Beatles, The Band, Pink Floyd, and The Eagles. This time out, the band experiments with a greater depth of sound (think '70s hi-fi rather than modern-day lo-fi) and influence (think more classic, less country)". The venue is a hot spot already in the London scene. The theatre- Water Rats is for the young at heart only- those who are still experiencing their salad days. Supposedly it emodies the grimy pub feel - the raw stuff that musicians fancy.
oh and i get to wear my new dress :-)

city rats and bums bums.

Two evenings ago I spent some spectacular time on our roof, reading, watching the sunset. We have a generous view of the city from up top. There is a cathedral on the rear end of the building, on the right is an extensive view of the 40 chimney's per house on our row, and the left you view what i like to call : modern london (the glass domes, skyscrapers and such). and the sunset was too lovely for words.

some interesting experiences in this city- i will admit. yesterday we saw rats- as big as possums (eeek!). and last weekend after my exhausting day at (ahem, cough, cough, gag) starbucks i went to oxford street to buy a new uniform (long story) where- lo and behold- the exhibitionist bicycle rally/parade was taking place. naked men and women as far as the eye could see...on bikes! ow. i laughed so hard i cried. also on the roster is another mooning! that's right, again- stacy, casie, and i were mooned. this time- at a pub. he was homeless and shook his tush for all sorts of laughter from the pub goers. so let's see- rats? check. thousands naked? check. homeless naked? check, check. Yes this has been an interesting trip thus far ;-)

I think i am going to a concert this friday at a theatre called (of all things) Water Rats. The band- The Elected (love love love them). It's only £7 to go and I think well worth it.

As for sights of this city go here is my list so far. Click on any that link and discover them for yourselves. Also please add any other places that you wish for me to go (by adding a comment) and hopefully i will wind up there:

London:

Tate Modern ...check!

British

National

and Victoria and Albert Museums

The Home of Charles Dickens

Globe Theatre

Abbey Road (I will also go to liverpool for penny lane)

Camden and Portobello Markets (to do with some quid) ...half check!

Hampton Court Palace and Maze Convent Garden

Windsor Castle

22 Hyde Park Gate (which, seriously is right where I live- I just can't seem to find the place) -where Virginia Woolf grew up ....check!

The Docks

Greenwich

SoHo

Keats House

Convent Gardens


outside of london, in england:
stonehenge ...check!

bath

cambridge

oxford

stratford upon avon (shakespears home, it may be fun to go here, but time permiting)

york


then of course i think we should travel to:

Ireland

Scotland

Amsterdam (Casie insists ;-) )

Greece

Italy

and France.


its good to have lists like this. it is likely i will forget things that i want to see or have already forgotten them andmight have to come back and edit this list. :-)

love you all.
m.

they keep mating

there's a baby boom in the uk, or at least that's what the newspaper said, as well as a drought. i find the drought business a farce- considering 9 out of the 12 days have been rainy. i guess they are experiencing less rain than ever before, but less is still more for a girl from missouri. the baby boom is not a farce however. everywhere i look we are looking at a pregnant woman or at twelve. and the uk has never seen anything like it. i wonder if it's the recent boom in tourism (us country gals are keen on the alluring male brit's voice). maybe it has something to do with the fact that on every tube, at every stop, on every bus, and every street corner we have a pair of lips bonded to another pair of lips without a chance to break a part. it's amazing they aren't cranking out the children any faster with the way things have been looking here.

i heard somewhere that the french show strong affection and that the british strong aversion but i believe that this source was mistaken. the french show strong affection as well as the british, ask casie (who can't seem to ward off the men by just saying no). i, however, have been blessed. i get some looks here and there but no official proposition or kiss (because they love to kiss when they like you). Thank goodness! i proclaim (though i know half of you are laughing because i had spent months daydreaming about the brits mouths). it's true though.

in other news (especially to get away from the subject matter of mating) i have just learned that the brits don't like the queen. they despise her as a matter of fact. coming as a strong sentiment from my current boss and the like i have received quite a shock at this revelation. i have always really adored the queen. but then- i see their point. i mean we do have a clown at the head of our country as well- nothing but a show figure. but at least theirs doesn't say much, ours dances around like a monkey half the time (sorry to those who disagree ;-) ). anyhow, i am still going to buy that mug i saw with the queen's face on it. i truly adore that cup.

life on the wall

have i mentioned that i put coins in my wall for electricity. haha. and i can hear my neighbor poo (i still haven't met him). but hey- it's nottinghill.

my first flat, my first laundromat, my first income (lousy yet) and my first time living somewhere other than the united states. and we are only on day 12.

the weather has been awfully delightful. yesterday i even got a tan while going to the Tower Bridge and the London Tower (both are exiquisite). We saw a wall that dated back to before the 12th century. In the middle of all this old antiquity was London's city hall which is basically an enormous glass dome. right smack dab in the middle of london. this city is an interesting twist of old and new and the all together charming.

Pull Yer Trouser's up!

Besides being mooned in the tube a lot of funny conversations happen on the underground. today on my way back from wimbledon (that's where the tennis match is held) i sat across from four ladies who were obviously not from london. one can tell these things because they were chatty cathy's, a rarity in these city streets. they were talking about the prostitutes that had just rented their lower flat. the conversation was hilarious. i almost couldn't contain my laughter. the best part was that the women were horrifed that these women would share the same washing machine and toilet (apparently there are six). i should have chimed in to inform them that nottinghill residents don't get much better (sharing bathrooms with the whole house --15 people!).

interesting point: my electricity is paid through a coin slot on the wall. one pound per turn, three turns per week. i love it!

living in london while broke is no fun but today was the day of deals. £6 and 50p's later i have a pair of pants and clear studs for nose for starbuck's training tomorrow. they still haven't hired me but they want me to prove myself on the floor before they even consider my application.

the rain won't stop and i'm sick but that won't slow me down (or it won't anymore). trying to stay positive is hard when it's freezing. i found this perfect jumper (aka-sweater) at a thrift store for £6 but i needed pants more for work and therefore it has been sacrificed until i get paid.

i need people to send me emails. i miss stories from home. let me know what's going on friends- i do love you dearly.

Nottinghill ?

Looking for flats has proven itself to be quite the undertaking. after yesterday's long and disappointing day we were left quite tired and quite upset with the results of our endeavors. But this morning as the sun popped through the gray clouds a different story was held. the first thing was scheduled appointments with landlords. we had one in notthinghill, one on craven road, and three more later in the afternoon. the first was a shared room £125 /w and the location was none other than Nottinghill. Clanricarde Rd. to be exact (four blocks from Notthinghill gate which all should recognize from the film). Clanricarde was our paradise. ten times better than what was offered the day before and the most for our money considering the location. the flat's no bigger than a dorm room but includes a full kitchen (so it's small, really small) and is on the ground floor (quite appealing considering the staircases here have proven to be much longer and rickety than in the states). the best yet was that our friend stacy (who we met earlier in our stay) can stay on the top floor of the same building-

at last a home! now onto finding jobs. keep this part in your prayers as it is difficult to find jobs here in the uk (as it is everywhere really). i had an interview today for a two week position that paid £1o/h (which is $20 in the states). tomorrow i interview with starbucks at 1, will try to woo them with my extensive coffee knowledge/powress.

in other news: london is amazing, though extravagent (just like everyone told me it would be). we are doing super well on maintaining our wits about us. we may even be considered true brits b/c once we have been asked directions and were able to give them, then we met a man on the bus and then saw him almost two days later in a completely different neighborhood, we have been mooned on the tube, and can say "loo" "quid" and "trousers" without a second thought. i may be even gaining an accent. love it!

kisses to all of you. i miss you terribly,
m.

sleeping on the tube

yesterday spent time in brighton england. a truly enchanting city.

will try to upload pictures soon. am extremely exhausted. much love to you all.

A foggy day in London Town

we are finally here.

i have only a few minutes and so i will be brief. love love love london. cannot get enough of this town but i love it. the beauty of old meets new is so enchanting i want to hang my coat up and stay awhile. full few days ahead and then a weekend trip to brighton for a bank holiday and with the purpose to find a place to live and work, though we are still working that stuff out. i am staying at wakeup London! and it's a simple place full of people like casey and i . rained all day yesterday and now the sun is peeping through the clouds and it's looking beautiful out.

if you have received my emails then you already know that we visited kensington gardens/palace yesterday. it was so lovely. also there was hyde park, the orangery, the sanitarium, statues of queen victoria, and this lovely fountain memorial to princess diana.

i cannot believe i am here. it's still all very new and exciting. the xanga will be updated but rarely. the free access cafe' denies me access to it each time i try to login. but i am sure i will find a place that will allow me to check it.

cheers!

my orange polka dotted umbrella is missing

it's raining and i'm caught up again in the romance of this day. i have become engrossed in a novel and had thoughts to remark on my perculiarity.

par exemple: (that's french )
i laugh out loud. look around to see if anyone is watching me. get teary eyed. am sucked in, sigh out loud. i have to put the book down to grapple with reality (usually in 5 minute spans). get excited. dance around. usually end up falling asleep at least once to the rhythm of dancing words on a page. i am silly really with all of it.

yesterday i admitted to spying on people out loud. i'm not creepy about it. i just am intrigued so i listen in on conversations. get absorbed in their lives. i think lindsey t. understands this.

also got caught up in pummill hall while the storm was going on. this was the first time i have been in academia while storming. i kept my cool regardless of the shivers that kept going down my spine with the thunder. thank God Nicole let us take refuge in her wonderful home/apartment. i think she's lovely. we watched the hallmark channel and talked about poetry, novelists, and cheesy movies. we have a date tonight to watch broken flowers.
in other news: my mom told me that she's moving away from the home we grew up in. bittersweet. but good. she's needs to get away. closer to good hospitals and em can grow up somewhere far away from the small mindedness of perry mo. i enjoyed my home. i enjoyed my childhood (for the most part). but what is more i enjoy my family and what makes them happier makes them stronger. they need to feel happiness. it's been way too long.




currently reading (and caught up in): The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

currently listening : elliot smith

currently drinking : honey latte

The current state of a dandelion garden

to stay on board with my love for "weeds" (rather I prefer herbs) I had remembered that coffee grounds made good fertilizer. So I collected some from work in a cup and then went on a walk with friend, Kevin and friend, Katie to return Serendipity to blockbuster armed with a baggie labeled: for Dandelion Seeds. I collected.

Now I have run into a slight problem that may work itself out. But how would one water coffee grounds? it makes coffee doesn't it? i imagine that i will be fine with a spray bottle of H2O but finding one may be difficult.

It's moving time. It takes me a month to get affairs in order but I am finally getting things finished.

London is exactly one month from today. Take my breath away!

I have a myspace now. haha isn't that the funniest thing. It's really another tribute to dandelions and rosie thomas. i will put it on my links so you can hear $2 shoes anytime you would love to.

i miss you blog. i love you friends.










currently listening to: The Elected (that guy from rilo kiley) Sun Sun Sun

serving size: extra large, thoughts on romancing rains

or not really romance. at least not like the lovely dovely (which all started with a typo and should now transition to universal slang) romance. romance like trees are romantic, old poetry is romantic, the rain is certainly romantic. but i hold that it is not romantic to the point that we should wait for romance to strike us (like lightening) there. okay, moving on.


certainly feeling the weight gain and depressive eating cycle hitting. it's early spring. it's due. usually an awkward season transition keeps me all wound in the wrong direction. but i am not coming unglued like some others in my life (keep those in your hearts please). i will start walking once the rain stops.and moving on.



i am tired of not writing poetry when the moment strikes me. this is funny b/c i do this with the two things i love most. god and poetry. they strike. i hide. it's a full war. i mean i even own camoflauge. wait. did i say that? no, now i really don't own camo. jess does. and i make fun of her for it. she even had camo wedding decor. seriously. moving on.



my currently reading list comprises of two books: real sex by lauren winner and let's go to london, london on a budget, by who-really-cares-anyhow. all that matters is that today in my chapters we respectively discussed: that women are thinking a heck/hell (depending on your political affiliation) of a lot more about sex than a group of specific men believe. sorry bub hate to burst your bubble. while you are lusting after miss chestthesizeofmt.rushmore we women are thinking of the way some guy can turn us on and getting all googlyglop over it. and that the brits love to drink and the most popular pubs are filled well before happy hour. isn't it great? and we're still moving on.

i've talked about "that bad thing that happend a while ago" to some people that i didn't expect to. it's weird letting his agenda unroll and seeing where it goes. i hope . . . well you can fill in the blanks there.

and even though i didn't think we were moving on i wanted to say that if my bro reads this or leah.
the weak are stronger than what we give them credit for. you can choose to live in the sadness (and in the words of the Cameron Crowe, get inside the deep melancholy of this) and cherish it's sadness for a bit. then you can start your take off. taking pictures along the way. don't stay low so long that we begin to miss you. your smile is my addiction. i can't help but think of you as happy. and well i will fly kites for you anytime. pick dandelions and send them in the mail to you any day. and really you ought to dance here. dance in this place and carry off with joy. because goodness is clear and sweet. sorrow is bitter and foggy.and i love you.

Why Men Ought Not Shave Their Legs and Other Silly Spring-Isms

So I was reflecting on my Friday lunch with Miss Kora and we were talking about current spring fashions (since it is now officially spring). Topics mentioned were bare midriffs, cleavage, and skimpy skirts on the female side. Noticing that the men had no place in our conversation we reflected on what men ought to be weary of this spring. Shaved legs, their own, not ours. I have noticed this trend arise slowly throughout the years and wonderously it has skyrocketed. Now it seems as if half of all men on this particular college campus are freshly shaven. This is an absurdity! Kora and I did take into consideration the argument of "velocity" and we have both determined that it is just no excuse. Shaved legs (like pre-menstrual symptoms) are just a part of the female odds and ends, not to be shared with our sexual opposites. And, in a sort of joke from above, after the conversation I ended up behind three men, two of which were freshly shaven. I have decided personally that men with hairy legs are sexy, more masculine. It was quite the intellectual moment (wink wink).


Also on the topic of Spring: isn't it wonderful that these last two days have been marvelous out. I am wearing skirts like there is no tomorrow. Also this spring has been blessed with great music. I haven't reflected enough on the fact that the Denison Witmer show was beautiful and melancholic. Just enough soul to pass around the room and more than enough lullaby's to rock me to sleep for an eternity. Joyous. Pretty/Ugly was even better than I expected (even though I expected quite the best from that ensemble). Nice feeling to be blown out of the water by good friends. Next on the list is the beautiful and also deeply melancholic Rosie Thomas. I can't reflect on her show b/c it is still up-and-coming. April 18th, make it to the Belmonte with enough money for cover ($3) and her new ep (I am sure it is worth it). And if you have never heard of this simply serene siren check out her website (and under albums you can listen to some mp3's) www.rosiethomas.com.

if you could take one thing . . .

it would have to be my jump drive. currently. it's b/c i haven't doubled, tripled, or quadrupled saved my work yet. i am doing it now. for sure.

curled my hair today. the first time in so long.

there is something about denim dresses, lace, pearls, and curly hair that's ultra-fem. i feel like i ought to be in the right places at the right time today- allday.

tornados tornados why do you scare me so? it's probably the wind mixed up with all the left over scary movie clips stored in my brain. how something bad always happens in the rain and the wind. it's never a good idea to combine the two. really.

does anyone know about how economical manchester england is? I am thinking maybe that we should look into living there. I don't expect a comment. it's rare. this is a rhetorical question.

also on the rhetorical side of things:

A Leap in conscience.

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/7418688/the_young__the_sexless/

the above is a link to a fantastic article by Jeff Sharlot of the Rolling Stones.

Life is quite a mascarade at times.








enter in green bracelet. welcome to my wrist :)

The Transient Life

I admit it sounds enticing. It has probably sounded enticing all my life. The first time I met a hippy was probably at birth and then many more occasions thereafter. I was blessed with the parentals being down to earth and loving the earth more than any other parentals. My mother is mostly democratic and more yuppie than hippie but she still claims her roots and still is as beautiful for the change as she was for the beginning. My father, a little less yuppie than mom but still grown up a bit from the past. I don't recognize them in their 60era clothing and retroactive hairstyles but i do recognize their desires.

The Transient Life. I mean traveling in a van with little money from the here to there. Humbled because you can't afford food. Humbled because you decided long ago it would be better than succumbing to the good house,car,job,wifehusband, etc.

I met my first homeless man in SanFransico on my 10th birthday, i believe. He wore a Nike coat and my mom didn't believe he was homeless b/c of his coat. and just the other day emily was asking a question about why a man was on the side of the road and i told her it was b/c he was homeless. when she pointed out he didn't look as such i reminded her how often we are fooled by our eyes and not to trust such things. the transient life.

Boulder CO, the time of my life. the best trip i had ever taken and it lasted forever. the smell of petchuli and marijuana mixed and mingled with body odors and it was a smell that would never leave me. i love that smell. i love their discipline, their heart, the way they love unselfishly, their generosity, their huge bags filled with hand made everythings. i could sit and listen to them talk for hours. i remembered almost dying when i saw a toddler (not yet two) with the beginnings of dreadlocks. oh the beauty of such lives.

all this to say--it is enticing. it is tempting to just leave. that man did it. he felt God calling him and he wrote that book (under the underpass) and he felt changed. it's b/c those people, the transients, they are awfully more beautiful than the good job,house,wifehusband motif sometimes. they are sacrifice. we are moved by such grace.

ps. Psalter tonight was amazing. if you are ever around this band. give them very much love they were incredibly moving. i am thankful for their transient lives.

Introducing: me.

it's hard teaching other's sacrifice especially when they are so unaccustomed. i am not accustomed as much as i wished to be with it but now life is calling for me and my family do work with each other and for each other. health and happiness is needed.

i can't get enough of donald miller's "Searching for God Knows What," and if you are who i lent "Blue Like Jazz" to, please remind me- i am so awfully forgetful this week. For some reason his words are breaking into me like no other words have been as of late. Every day, every other paragraph or so I am literally in tears- brokenhearted with the truth of the this world- overwhelmed by God's love. I have no idea what it all amounts to but I do believe that this book is touching me in the same way Mere Christianity did. He is writing my theology.

some of the beautiful words that he has touched me with (since it would be bad of me to underline the entire book, I am only keeping those parts that excite an emotional pulse in me):

"Reality is like a fine wine . . . it will not appeal to children." p11
"You know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god." p29 (see Tumbling Toward Faith)
"It seems like, if you really knew the God who understands the physics of our existence, you would operate a little more cautiously, a little more compassionately, a little less like you are the center of the universe." p38
"I wonder if when we take Christian theology out of the context of its narrative, when we ignore the potery in which it is presented, when we turn it into formulas to help us achieve the American dream, we lose its meaning entirely, and the ideas become fodder for the head but have no impact on the way we live our lives or think about God. This is, perhaps, why people are so hostile toward religion." pg59. . . I like this idea of poetry in the Gospel. It's true (we talk about it in my OT classes) but Miller presents an awesome context to look at it in- as a tool to communicate the uncommunicatable.

and I will stop with this one quote that I spoke with friends Lindsey and Meghan about the other day. . . trust me if you are reading this and find any thought appealing you should purchase this book. This man has a heart that is worth reading about:

"It's quite beautiful, really. God diredted Adam's steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.
I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all aroudn and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued . . . I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty, are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I though how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world (emphasis mine) and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle, silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve." p 66--- I believe that this first draws a perfect line between the way God sees us (in the same way Adam does Eve) and then second is my heart's cry. Having dealt first hand with sexual abuse it does a number on how a woman feels about herself and her relationship with God. She's dirty, foul, unlovable, unforgiveable, shame-filled, a disaster. God doesn't see this. No God sees "her beauty, her gentleness." He is constantly filled with overflowing love for her. I wrote in the margin (yes, i do that)-"I am my Father's most beautiful and loved daughter." What a good moment.

and what a long post.

I will send you a postcard that tells you everything about my day and answer all your questions in two lines about Lake Michigan

my mom was diagnosed. . .keep praying she needs you all.

i wish that the sky would have burst open today like it wanted to instead of getting colder. all of a sudden we are thrust into spring goodness and then just like that it is snatched away. i could have cried.

if it gets less chilly (or more warm) and the wind keeps its pace i want to go fly a kite with someone. i believe that would be a good way to spend the afternoon.

i read some collins today, here he is:

American Sonnet

We do not speak like Petrarch or wear a hat like Spenser
and it is not fourtenn lines
like furrows in a samll, carefully plowed field

but the picture postcard, a poem on vacation,
that focuses us to sing our songs in little rooms
or pour our sentiments into measuring cups.

We write on the back of a waterfall or lake,
adding to the view a caption as conventional
as an Elizabethan woman's heliocentric eyes.

We locate an adjective for the weather.
We announce that we are having a wonderful time.
We express the wish that you were here

and hide the wish that we were where you are,
walking back from the mailbox, your head lowered
as you read and turn the thin message in your hands.

A slice of this place, a length of white beach,
a piazza or carved spires of a cathedral
will pierce the familiar place where you remain,

and you will toss on the table this rversible display:
a few square inches of whree we have strayed
and a compression of what we feel.

Prayer, please

My mom is sick.

she's scared.

she's going to talk to one of the best doctors in the US tomorrow

please pray that the Lord will heal her.

Pray that God will help her.

Mushaboom, oh oh oh

there is something happening and it's big and it's exciting and today she told me that i was free and i think i needed only her to tell me because when she said it--it felt real, alive, and joyous. then another she told me that i need to rejoice and that rejoicing means literally to seek joy again after the drought. i am ready to share. peace be with you and gladly with me.

May the Wind Take Your Troubles Away

it's sipping tea in the morning watching the sun breaks the horizon. turning the page to my favorite part. taking off all my clothes midday and dancing in my underwear. deciding to not regret this if it never happens. working on being better at doing instead of talking about doing. sucking up failure through a straw and then spitting it out-it won't ruin me, it can't ruin Him. wondering up all the what if's and then writing them all off. maybe writing a book. maybe writing more poems. getting published by march first- with andy and nicole. drinking less coffee. praying in the morning before i brush my teeth. praying. if you are in trouble and you come to me i am worthless but trust me, He isn't and He is here, there. it's knowing that it wasn't my fault. it's knowing that i can help other's like me. it's knowing that it hurts it feels bad but it will feel better some day. making sure that everyday isn't wasted in a furry of doubt, confusion, and pain. we can't change our past. we can't change what just happened. i can do better. i am better. it's knowing that i am loved.

Awakened

Sometimes all I need is someone to throw water on me and shake me out of my mess. This is where I turn to remember my Savior:

Psalm 104
O LORD My God, You Are Very Great 1Bless the LORD, O my soul! O LORD my God, you are very great!You are clothed with splendor and majesty, 2covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. 3He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;he makes the clouds his chariot; he rides on the wings of the wind; 4he makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire.


. . .

31May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works, 32who looks on the earth and it trembles, who touches the mountains and they smoke! 33I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. 34May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the LORD. 35Let sinners be consumed from the earth, and let the wicked be no more!Bless the LORD, O my soul!Praise the LORD!

without a fork

I am poking at reality with a spoon . . . without a fork. Far and few between are forks. They can grasp with pertinence the realness of the bind I think I might not admit that I am in.

I can hide away all day and sleep it all away right?

I can parade with the rest of them, throw confetti, right?

I can just not pay attention to the real ________ at hand, and pretend that's it's just a hat and put it on a shelf and let it collect dust with the rest of my hats and leave it there in the spring when I take the rest of my hats down, right?

Or if I am feeling better tomorrow about it maybe I will whisper to God and then walk away from it again, thinking it's going to walk away too, but it won't because it never does and I can just trust that it will, except that trust is really in the person trusting. . .

and I may not be as trusting as I used to be, at least, not trusting in me.

I need to go tomorrow and find me a fork to grapple reality with.

How To Create a Dandelion Garden

step ONE:

purchase orange or brightly colored chinese boxes





step TWO:

buy dandelion seeds offline (or pick dead dandelions, depending on the season)

http://seedrack.com/10.html






step THREE:

borrow soil or buy it






step FOUR-SIX to come!!

sMiLe

What ever possessed Brian Wilson to make this recent album?



I don't know if I like the Beach Boys the way I did when I was 14. I will probably need a moment.

such as this

moments such as this just slip through the cracks. I might be going crazy in this skin, needing to find me a new shell to wear. And winter's almost gone. Slipping away in the warmth that I could dance in, I know it's bad news for the earth to be feeling these sunny days as we have been. I am going to miss Him boldly as I remember why he lived for us.


would you dance with me in moments such as this? moments when I feel slightly like spinning in circles for an eternity? moments when we all fall down?

it's always the pretty days

I am feeling awfully lonely today.

maybe it will pass.


In other news:

















the first dandelion of the year!!!!!

Stark Naked

Naturally I am concerned. Too much hangs on conversation. Let's talk with our eyes for a bit and see if we communicate better that way. Nothing unnoticebly untrue will slip past the steam from our starbucks. When we are done saying nothing let's turn and leave nothing behind, leave it all out on the table. So that the bounce in our steps is the light of our stride--we are no longer bound to be this or that to anyone. We may for once understand that the dirt is better situated in front where everyone can see.



I had a dream that I was naked in the middle of a busy intersection and someone turned and whispered- she isn't bold but honest.

Losing

this may be hard, letting go.















I think I need a road to walk away on.

Something Beautiful, New Year Edition

5 things to be happy about tear off calendar, memorial park with B, flea market earrings, budding trees, new favorite radio station, jv park on a very sunny day, curly hair, waking up when it is still dark outside, sunrises (eee!!), the perfect dress, good cries, elizabeth's wedding, grocery stores, blowing kisses, TWIRLING, kite flying, lots and lots of ribbons, playing in leafless weeping willows, the sound of snow falling on my car, rain--lots of rain, faux dates, TPH, new jobs, coffeeeeeee (more specifically starbuck's double shots), long drives, leftover christmas lights, full hallways, champagne on parking garages, forgetting the auld lang syne lyrics, humming instead, ugly sweaters, not going "ugly enough", credit card debt, resolving to be financially sure in less than 3 months, deciding to take an initiative and ask him out instead, getting shot down, brewing up drink ideas in Berna's jag, Nevada MO (haha), not making new years resolutions, my grandma's black cardie, Brighton England, B's POA, Carousel's, My top 50 things to do for Free in London list, Christmas Cards arriving after new year's, losing lists, spinning in chairs, my mom's 50th birthday (love you), sammy and gus gus, sleeping in, dad selling his house, carts!, making fish faces at little children, having them make faces back, finally knowing a 9 month plan, feeling better than ever.

much love to all of you!

As Matter of God

Joshua Abraham Heschel:

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the feautres of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all."







one of the many gems I am collecting from my second reading of The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning

It's bloody BEAUTIFUL

Today was too pretty to waste away, but I almost did without knowing it. But then the blessed tornado tests helped me get out of bed.

Journaled to God for two hours. . . the outpouring was needed. I feel fresh, renewed. . . I went to the park, wrapped up in a blanket and wrote and read, and wrote some more.

Oh!~ and~

Plans are in the making for my garden of dandelions!! I am more than excited about this new project.

Jumping to Conclusions . . .

and ending up drowned is a bad place to be in.

Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles Everywhere

'Tis my favorite thing about being home. . . well, one of my favorite of my things. After the fire, my mom purchased a bathtub with jets to go in the master room. It's like our own private spa-- Complete with candles, wine, and harry conick jr. The best part is getting out and crawling into bed (unlike a real spa).



Highlights: Logan and I at Starbucks in Branson, Bailey and I via phone on Leah's apartment stairwell, My sister and I screaming in terror and deciding it best to sleep with baseball bats, Mom deciding we were silly and blamed it on the snowman.


Coming Soon: Something Beautiful, New Year ed.