Introducing: me.

it's hard teaching other's sacrifice especially when they are so unaccustomed. i am not accustomed as much as i wished to be with it but now life is calling for me and my family do work with each other and for each other. health and happiness is needed.

i can't get enough of donald miller's "Searching for God Knows What," and if you are who i lent "Blue Like Jazz" to, please remind me- i am so awfully forgetful this week. For some reason his words are breaking into me like no other words have been as of late. Every day, every other paragraph or so I am literally in tears- brokenhearted with the truth of the this world- overwhelmed by God's love. I have no idea what it all amounts to but I do believe that this book is touching me in the same way Mere Christianity did. He is writing my theology.

some of the beautiful words that he has touched me with (since it would be bad of me to underline the entire book, I am only keeping those parts that excite an emotional pulse in me):

"Reality is like a fine wine . . . it will not appeal to children." p11
"You know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god." p29 (see Tumbling Toward Faith)
"It seems like, if you really knew the God who understands the physics of our existence, you would operate a little more cautiously, a little more compassionately, a little less like you are the center of the universe." p38
"I wonder if when we take Christian theology out of the context of its narrative, when we ignore the potery in which it is presented, when we turn it into formulas to help us achieve the American dream, we lose its meaning entirely, and the ideas become fodder for the head but have no impact on the way we live our lives or think about God. This is, perhaps, why people are so hostile toward religion." pg59. . . I like this idea of poetry in the Gospel. It's true (we talk about it in my OT classes) but Miller presents an awesome context to look at it in- as a tool to communicate the uncommunicatable.

and I will stop with this one quote that I spoke with friends Lindsey and Meghan about the other day. . . trust me if you are reading this and find any thought appealing you should purchase this book. This man has a heart that is worth reading about:

"It's quite beautiful, really. God diredted Adam's steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.
I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all aroudn and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued . . . I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty, are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I though how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world (emphasis mine) and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle, silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve." p 66--- I believe that this first draws a perfect line between the way God sees us (in the same way Adam does Eve) and then second is my heart's cry. Having dealt first hand with sexual abuse it does a number on how a woman feels about herself and her relationship with God. She's dirty, foul, unlovable, unforgiveable, shame-filled, a disaster. God doesn't see this. No God sees "her beauty, her gentleness." He is constantly filled with overflowing love for her. I wrote in the margin (yes, i do that)-"I am my Father's most beautiful and loved daughter." What a good moment.

and what a long post.

I will send you a postcard that tells you everything about my day and answer all your questions in two lines about Lake Michigan

my mom was diagnosed. . .keep praying she needs you all.

i wish that the sky would have burst open today like it wanted to instead of getting colder. all of a sudden we are thrust into spring goodness and then just like that it is snatched away. i could have cried.

if it gets less chilly (or more warm) and the wind keeps its pace i want to go fly a kite with someone. i believe that would be a good way to spend the afternoon.

i read some collins today, here he is:

American Sonnet

We do not speak like Petrarch or wear a hat like Spenser
and it is not fourtenn lines
like furrows in a samll, carefully plowed field

but the picture postcard, a poem on vacation,
that focuses us to sing our songs in little rooms
or pour our sentiments into measuring cups.

We write on the back of a waterfall or lake,
adding to the view a caption as conventional
as an Elizabethan woman's heliocentric eyes.

We locate an adjective for the weather.
We announce that we are having a wonderful time.
We express the wish that you were here

and hide the wish that we were where you are,
walking back from the mailbox, your head lowered
as you read and turn the thin message in your hands.

A slice of this place, a length of white beach,
a piazza or carved spires of a cathedral
will pierce the familiar place where you remain,

and you will toss on the table this rversible display:
a few square inches of whree we have strayed
and a compression of what we feel.

Prayer, please

My mom is sick.

she's scared.

she's going to talk to one of the best doctors in the US tomorrow

please pray that the Lord will heal her.

Pray that God will help her.

Mushaboom, oh oh oh

there is something happening and it's big and it's exciting and today she told me that i was free and i think i needed only her to tell me because when she said it--it felt real, alive, and joyous. then another she told me that i need to rejoice and that rejoicing means literally to seek joy again after the drought. i am ready to share. peace be with you and gladly with me.

May the Wind Take Your Troubles Away

it's sipping tea in the morning watching the sun breaks the horizon. turning the page to my favorite part. taking off all my clothes midday and dancing in my underwear. deciding to not regret this if it never happens. working on being better at doing instead of talking about doing. sucking up failure through a straw and then spitting it out-it won't ruin me, it can't ruin Him. wondering up all the what if's and then writing them all off. maybe writing a book. maybe writing more poems. getting published by march first- with andy and nicole. drinking less coffee. praying in the morning before i brush my teeth. praying. if you are in trouble and you come to me i am worthless but trust me, He isn't and He is here, there. it's knowing that it wasn't my fault. it's knowing that i can help other's like me. it's knowing that it hurts it feels bad but it will feel better some day. making sure that everyday isn't wasted in a furry of doubt, confusion, and pain. we can't change our past. we can't change what just happened. i can do better. i am better. it's knowing that i am loved.

Awakened

Sometimes all I need is someone to throw water on me and shake me out of my mess. This is where I turn to remember my Savior:

Psalm 104
O LORD My God, You Are Very Great 1Bless the LORD, O my soul! O LORD my God, you are very great!You are clothed with splendor and majesty, 2covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. 3He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;he makes the clouds his chariot; he rides on the wings of the wind; 4he makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire.


. . .

31May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works, 32who looks on the earth and it trembles, who touches the mountains and they smoke! 33I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. 34May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the LORD. 35Let sinners be consumed from the earth, and let the wicked be no more!Bless the LORD, O my soul!Praise the LORD!

without a fork

I am poking at reality with a spoon . . . without a fork. Far and few between are forks. They can grasp with pertinence the realness of the bind I think I might not admit that I am in.

I can hide away all day and sleep it all away right?

I can parade with the rest of them, throw confetti, right?

I can just not pay attention to the real ________ at hand, and pretend that's it's just a hat and put it on a shelf and let it collect dust with the rest of my hats and leave it there in the spring when I take the rest of my hats down, right?

Or if I am feeling better tomorrow about it maybe I will whisper to God and then walk away from it again, thinking it's going to walk away too, but it won't because it never does and I can just trust that it will, except that trust is really in the person trusting. . .

and I may not be as trusting as I used to be, at least, not trusting in me.

I need to go tomorrow and find me a fork to grapple reality with.

How To Create a Dandelion Garden

step ONE:

purchase orange or brightly colored chinese boxes





step TWO:

buy dandelion seeds offline (or pick dead dandelions, depending on the season)

http://seedrack.com/10.html






step THREE:

borrow soil or buy it






step FOUR-SIX to come!!