Lonely Hearts Club...Yeah

Whoever said that it was better to lose love than to have never loved at all is very mistaken. It is not better to know love and then to begin to unknow it. Today is my first course...How do you completely abandon all the love that you have for someone? Especially all that future love you put your stock in. Stupid stock market. I have never been so hurt in my life. I chose to tell the man in question (the one I am in love with) that I would stay with him like I would if he were married to me...through it all. But he just doesn't know. He just doesn't know if I am worth it to go through some humiliation (b/c he did something wrong and I believe he must own up to it by resolving his mistakes instead of letting them dissolve). And I have friends who say its not worth it to stay, a beautiful mother who said I can come home if I want, and then me who is begging to not lose one of the best things in my life. How do you come to the point where it is okay to leave. He says he is sorry but doesn't want to resolve it. He doesn't want to tell the truth to the people involved. He would rather it just dissipate...but does that happen, really? You can bank on the fact that *she* is invested in something more and won't let it go. He wants until Sunday...not today or tomorrow but the end of the week to make a decision. How can it take someone a week to decide whether or not they love you enough?

This is a rant/this is not good. It's the only therapy I have right now. I suggested counseling. He poopooed it. I suggested "let's runaway together, start all over," he is tied by his responsiblities (which, by the way, is next to none). I suggested, "just tell the truth, let's redeem our lives," and he just said, maybe. Am I in the wrong? Am I acting out in anger in frustration? Am I asking him to do something ridiculously stupid?

Back to my question: May anyone who stumbles on this give me a response: How do you begin to unlove somebody?

Read-a-loud

Tuesday October 16th

7:30 pm

The Green Co. Library Center

Drinks/Dessert afterwards to commemorate my turning 24.




ps. I dreamt that Joseph gave me a pony for my birthday.

The Skinny

I've got to lose the pounds. My goal : 10 before christmas. I think thats a good one, can't be to rushed. then I have to lose 10 by Feb. then 10 by April and then 10 by June. 10 every two months sort of.

Friend Jen H has me on spark people. it's a fun online community where you track your diet goals, what you eat, and how much you work out. that's the first start.

now, I've got to start working out. Since today is nice I think after school (before dinner) instead of walking to Joseph's then driving home I am going to walk down John Q Hammons to St. Louis Street (enjoy the park for awhile, perhaps read a bit), then down St.Louis street to South, walk down south to Grand, then Grand back to Joseph's house (that's a pretty good distance I think). Getting into the habit of walking that's the second part.

I have to stay positive. I have to keep motivated. I need to lose the pounds.

Also,

I need to write. I watched something on dvd and the guy said: A writer is someone who writes and I am not doing that so you can't call me a writer anymore. I am a non writer. Sheesh.

I love Nicole!

Full Moon Attack

So I accidently or purposefully (just depends on who I talked to and when) cut off my hair. I freaked about half way through and had to find a place to fix my awful mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I still don't know. I am freaking out I think. Don't worry about me. I don't really understand what it is. It started with all that stuff with my dad and has gotten worse progessively. I really don't think anyone should worry. Starting soon I will start therapy again. I think this will be a good idea for me. I need to deal with these issues and something that I cannot figure out triggers in me and I go insane (ask poor Joseph, he knows) and do something stupid like cut my hair. Ugh. I am feeling like a dummy.

I long to be Staffords girl from the mountains

This is what I posted on my myspace today (www.myspace.com/savethedandelions) sorry if this is redundant for anyone but it was an important moment of self discovery. It happened last night in the middle of the night. It came to me as people around me were floundering around, acting crazy, jumping off the deep end over trivial things. My heart fell down to my feet and I stood there in the midst of so many people who I think dearly of and who I have no doubt love me and felt so utterly alone in my life. That kind of alone that makes you ache because you know, sadly, that those people around you cannot satisfy your need for something. What I needed was what I posted:

I have realized that in life I want quiet stability. I don't want chaos, I want to talk things out with people--not fight it out, I want movie marathons, flowers at my door, sunrises and sunsets, shooting stars, surprise trips, I want to be able to do this stuff with change in my pocket and a slight skip in my step. I don't want to wake up with regrets, with sorrow, with any hurt. I want the life I wasn't given but the life I made for myself.


Passing Remark
by William Stafford

In scenery I like flat country.
In life I don’t like much to happen.

In personalities I like mild colorless people.
And in colors I prefer gray and brown.

My wife, a vivid girl from the mountains,
says, “Then why did you choose me?”

Mildly I lower my brown eyes—
there are so many things admirable people do not understand.

I forgot to mention

I am a teacher. I don't know if I ever did mention this on my past blogging but I work for Missouri State teaching ENG 203 which translates into Introduction to Poetry. I am loving this experience. But as it is my first semester teaching this class I am in a season of growth. I am learning so much at the same time I am trying to teach and sometimes this can be overwhelming.

This week I am giving my students a present that I am very proud to give them. Their very own notebook to record things in. It just occurred to me that this would be a great lesson for them to learn (at least for those who want to learn) and I hope that this goes over well. But in addition to my other goals posted this morning: I will be posting notes about my experiences teaching.

Yay :)

I am back. . . I think

It sure has been awhile but I think I am back to blogging. I took my haitus from everything this past year and focused it on two things: school and new relationships. I am starting to feel the burden of my year off, however. People always say its good to take a break but instead I feel like it has done nothing but destroyed what I knew. Perhaps people were expecting me to fall of the face of the planet and I just lived up to that, or perhaps it's me. Who knows? All I know is that I have big goals for myself this time around. This is a new season. And its september and what I know of september is this: September is the best time to start whatever you need to start, because the world is finding peace. It is easier to invite chaos in when you are surrounded by peace.

Lets begin:

1. Make my relationships good and full and embody love in all parts of my life.
2. Lose weight (this is so ridiculous but so needed right now in order for me to be happy)
3. Find myself a life. I am ready to grow up. (scary thought)
4. Find my literary calling and embrace it.
and 5. Inspire others. I need to do a bit more of that on a daily basis.

Would you like to journey with me? Hopefully we both come out safe and happy in the end.