Some Days are Prettier in Pink

I closed my eyes this afternoon in the cool grass and instead of french class I was daydreaming about life before this. I was reminiscing on what it was like in my home.

Both parents called yesterday, crying. That's always hard for me. It's hard for anyone to see their parents suffer because of each other. I imagine that they don't expect much from me except for a few I love you's and encouragement "You will we get through this," "We are strong people," "I am good because of you." I imagine that few white lies wouldn't hurt them but instead would help them. "I wasn't sad because of you, I was just sad." Then I wonder, what would have I been like without them. I certainly wouldn't be so strong. I wouldn't be so hard headed. I wouldn't be so wasteful of time.

Everyone has a bad childhood. That's what I tell my sister. "What makes us anybetter?" I ask her, "What makes us suffer worse than someone else?" Then I say, "Be thankful for love that our family has to offer, it's bigger than the love most family's give." Then I hang up the phone and I wonder- does this help her? would it have helped me? what can I do to make it easier for her?

When I was younger I saw a therapist who demonstrated through a series of drawings (which at the time were extremely ridiculous) that I was not the cause of my family's problems nor was I the glue that could hold them together.

We think that by disappearing slightly from the hard things we lessen the blow, so to speak, to our hearts. In reality, as all of my friends have been saying to me, we can't run away from this stuff that hurts. I try to idealize myself and my situation, make the better out of the worst, but then I know that it is silly, it's all silly.

I wish that this morning when I woke, I could speak without bringing back the bad dreams of the night before. I wish that this afternoon when I sat in my car I didn't think back to the bad memories.

I'm alright and if I keep saying that, then I am alright. Pain is in perception. I am not unhappy, I am alright. Also I am in love with life, including its hardships, so this just another part of love. . . and that's not so bad.










I feel like a wandering around tonight and I feel like having company. Let's see what the evening yields.


currently loving: Atony and the Johnson's