Note: the following image is disturbing

but it says it all.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I am most definitely suffering from the Peter Pan Syndrome, otherwise known as the "I never (ever) want to grow up" syndrome.

Today, while I was cleaning out my car (a complete car makeover ;-) it dawned on me that in less than 5 months I will be . . . alone. Best Friend and I were chatting about this bright future of mine (smirk) when she remarked, "M. we all believe in you, we really do . . . you just don't." I could be devoured in pride and I am, admittedly. Growing up is like soap in my grip--I cannot grasp it. No pity parties for me, please, I know what I need to do . . .

But I have this overwhelming sense of failure and I haven't even started yet.










Oh well, c'est la vie. I just hope it ends well.

Honest. . .

swear on an old tooth and cross my heart and hope to die this was the most honest Christmas our house has seen yet.

I hope yours was as well.

home is where . . .

the insanity begins.

or otherwise is endured. However, it's been a much better stay than the past few. Which is a nice change of weather.

Secretly all I wanted was a week to read all the chapters i've missed this past semester and write my long poem, the one I've been dreaming about. I cannot find the book I wanted to read and there is not one working pen to be held in this house. :-(

Speaking of changes in weather it looks like it will be a warmer Christmas in the midwest. It makes the children gloomy and us who detest the winter smile in gladness.


Merry Christmas- here is a note:

Dear Friends and family.

I love you. Dearly.

Always,
M.

He told me that they were unlike any others

Today is one that could live forever in my mind.
I will miss her terribly. I will miss this friendship. I love her very much. She is my inspiration. I hope to one day inspire someone the way she has inspired me. I wish to her succeed. I wish to see her happy. I wish Virginia was 911 miles closerto me.

The testing of my Sanity

two down,


three to go.





this could very well be the end of me

(or I'm being melodramatic)


bisous!
M.

on angels

If an angel fell off a cloud, would he leave a hole /in a river and would the hole float along endlessly/ filled with the silent letters of every angelic word? Billy Collins

snowglobes, a holiday indulgence

This is what I love about snowglobes:

1- they make me and mostly everyone smile
2- the snow never melts
3- it's beautiful even in a blizzard
4- you could put a toothpick in the middle and they would still be fascinating
5- they are fine with or without music
6- they make you feel big (a good kind of big)
7- they are enchanting
8- you can shake it all you want
9- they should eventually have all seasons in a globe
10- a little world, inside a ball (or half moon), very surreal

Sleeping in Saturdays

Saturdays are for sleeping in.

By accident the structure of my schedule has prevented this and Sunday's are usually researved for sleeping in (i'm blessed by a church service that doesn't begin until almost noon).

Sleeping in on Sunday's are just not the same as Saturdays.







Today I slept in. Celebration.

Oh My Soul!

"I had a catharsis. I swear. All term in Greek drama I've been trying to figure out what it was and now I know, I had one! When you started dying I felt I was dying. I am drained. Purged. Oh, you were so Greek!"
-Maragret from Brown Girl, Brownstones by Paule Marshall



What a compliment: You were so Greek!






On another completely different note: I think the use of mistletoe should be more prominent in the midwest. I need to brush up on those old kissin' skills ;-)



currently reading: Field, Spring 2005 issue.

Dandelion Wine, the Recipe

The wild foods article in Issue No. 3 said that after dandelions flower . . . you should leave the plant and go on to other foraged fare. But a nice lady gave us a recipe for dandelion wine that's supposed to have health giving properties. We made it and it's great. Here's the formula for one gallon:

Early in the morning when the dew is on the flowers, pick one gallon of PERFECT, OPEN dandelion blossoms.

Put the flowers in a two gallon or larger open crock and pour boiling water over them. Cover the crock with cheesecloth and let it sit at room temperature for three days. Then squeeze all the juice outta the flowers, throw them away and save the liquid.

Put the liquid into a big pot and add:

3 lbs. sugar (we used brown, raw sugar for healthiness but—next time—we'll try honey for healthierness. The nice lady used white (ugh) sugar.)
3 or 4 lemons. Juice, skin, seeds, etc., all chopped up.
3 or 4 oranges, chopped.
Boil mixture for 30 minutes with top on pot, cool to lukewarm, pour into crock and add 1 1/2 or 2 packages or tablespoons of yeast.

Cover with cheesecloth and let brew sit for two or three weeks 'til the bubbling stops and—whammy!

Filter through cheesecloth to strain out chunks and save vitamins. Bottle.



Fantastic! Simply Fantastic!

It's all in the Family

I am at home for the week.

This is certainly an adventure.








and if you aren't sick of it yet,

Happy Thanksgiving.







currently adoring: Christmas Music!!

Something Beautiful, November Edition

fireplaces, christmas lights, light rain on gray days, Berna's laugh, giddy girls getting ready to go to a party, waking up in the middle of the night because of a poem, vacuuming in heels (seriously did it the otherday), getting caught dancing in my underwear by B, green clay facial masks with a towel turban, sweater socks, legwarmers!!, new haircuts, searching for the perfect book of crossword puzzles, convincing my sister to stay home, tornado sirens, christmas music (all day, all week on the Wind), hot tea, falling alseep in the afternoon, shopping for the perfect literary magazine, my new poster above my bed,"sweet romance!", his arms around her, spending a sunday at the hospital, reminiscing about Boulder, trips abroad, thrift shopping for the perfect blazer, new scarfs, the kiss that turned all of our heads, my dead flowers (they are still yellow though), my electric guitar impression, making sangria, sexonthebeach with nicole-fruity girlness hardcore, coming up with the most ridiculous t-shirt sayings, falling alseep laughing, poems about penises (it was really awkward reading out loud but once it was finished I felt liberated), talking to my dad, barnes and noble dates with mari, walking down pickwick street with b, wishing very badly that things wouldn't change so quickly, looking up plane tickets to London, being free to do anything in five months, being scared to death to graduate, senior class gifts, winter shoes, my new blue coat, homemade fires (all you need are a bunch of candles and marshmellows with toothpicks), beer and pizza with the ladies, thanksgiving feasts, and listening for the first time to someone when they say that this place we are in (this place of transition) is beautiful.

Tis the Season!

. . . and yet they argued over whether or not to stand their tree upright or hang it upside down from the ceiling.

seriously it's a Christmas tree and a traditon that dates back to around the 12th century in Europe.

it's not a new tradition.

Some Days are Prettier in Pink

I closed my eyes this afternoon in the cool grass and instead of french class I was daydreaming about life before this. I was reminiscing on what it was like in my home.

Both parents called yesterday, crying. That's always hard for me. It's hard for anyone to see their parents suffer because of each other. I imagine that they don't expect much from me except for a few I love you's and encouragement "You will we get through this," "We are strong people," "I am good because of you." I imagine that few white lies wouldn't hurt them but instead would help them. "I wasn't sad because of you, I was just sad." Then I wonder, what would have I been like without them. I certainly wouldn't be so strong. I wouldn't be so hard headed. I wouldn't be so wasteful of time.

Everyone has a bad childhood. That's what I tell my sister. "What makes us anybetter?" I ask her, "What makes us suffer worse than someone else?" Then I say, "Be thankful for love that our family has to offer, it's bigger than the love most family's give." Then I hang up the phone and I wonder- does this help her? would it have helped me? what can I do to make it easier for her?

When I was younger I saw a therapist who demonstrated through a series of drawings (which at the time were extremely ridiculous) that I was not the cause of my family's problems nor was I the glue that could hold them together.

We think that by disappearing slightly from the hard things we lessen the blow, so to speak, to our hearts. In reality, as all of my friends have been saying to me, we can't run away from this stuff that hurts. I try to idealize myself and my situation, make the better out of the worst, but then I know that it is silly, it's all silly.

I wish that this morning when I woke, I could speak without bringing back the bad dreams of the night before. I wish that this afternoon when I sat in my car I didn't think back to the bad memories.

I'm alright and if I keep saying that, then I am alright. Pain is in perception. I am not unhappy, I am alright. Also I am in love with life, including its hardships, so this just another part of love. . . and that's not so bad.










I feel like a wandering around tonight and I feel like having company. Let's see what the evening yields.


currently loving: Atony and the Johnson's

For the Man Who has Everything

At first I laughed,
then I thought- how ridiculous!
But then I thought, this would
be an ideal gift for a man
who had everything.

The man who has everything

certainly doesn't have a

pooing santa from Urban Outfitters.

Seriously, kids,

enough is enough-

when will the madness end?

Happy Pre-Holidays Holiday.

Dandelions

I imagine that my friends all snicker behind my back in the spring (and summer) when the dandelions flourish. I am the one that you see wearing necklaces and crowns made from the heads of dandelions. I always have a yellow plastic cup on my desk full of withering dandelions. It's an irresistable passion of mine: to love the unloveable, to grow the weed on purpose. My dream is to own my very own garden of dandelions.

Today I feel more like a dandelion than I do any flower. Dove did a reserch project called Campaign for Real Beauty (one of the best survey's ever administered to evaluate media's influence on women) and from that project they discovered that only 2% of women actually call themselves beautiful.

Women hide away from discovering the beauty that the actually hold. Instead they market for the media and buy in to the beauty that is on television, in magazines, etc. I stopped doing the t.v.-magazine sort of thing in order to purify my image of beautiful. I spend time writing about the small beautiful things in life. I call them my something beautifuls. However, though I can see the beauty that surrounds me I have a hard time seeing the something beautiful about me. I imagine it will come with time.

Today I feel like a dandelion, a weed set aside for the picking. I pray for someone to find the something beautiful about me and enjoy it, drink it up like it was nectar.

ER+My Favorite Soup= Dance in Underwear-A-Thon

It was a long day.

I get so scared when someone gets hurt, shaking kind of scared.

But after 7 hours of being awake and more than 22 hours without food I am feeling swell. They had my favorite soup. They must have thought I was crazy- my hair a mess, shaking still, and smiling because they finally had my favorite soup.

Now all I need is a shower.

I am going to smile under hot water now and probably dance like crazy in my underwear :-)

Songs To Dance in Your Underwear To

It's my favorite thing to do in the morning, especially mornings when I accidently sleep in and feel sort of sad for missing a good portion of the day.

So I've made a song list to aid me and all those that love to dance in their underwear.

It's classic, it's pure dance music, it's eclectic:

1. Light and Day by Polyphonic Spree
2. Respect by Aretha Franklin
3. Come on Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runner's
4. Rave On by Buddy Holiday
5. Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin
6. Copacabana by Barry Manilow
7. I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
8. Oh Yeah by Yello
9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett
10. Too Marvelous for Words by Frank Sinatra
11. Dancing in the Streets by The Kinks
12. Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye
13. There She Goes by The La's
14. Feelin' Good by Michael Buble'
15. Beautiful by Moby
16. Waterloo Sunset (BBC ed.) by The Kinks
17. Smooth by Santana feat. Rob Thomas
18. Sweet Home Alabama by Lynard Skynard
19. Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
20. Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours) by Stevie Wonder
21. It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls

All songs can be replayed in the car and can be the soundtrack to a great drive!

The Way We Drank

He tipped his glass to pour in the beer and laughter filled his faced and we are friends enjoying good beer and good talks and good stories. We are friends playing games across the table, licking the alcohol from our lips. He told high tales and whispered something in her ear, she looked happy so close to him. I imagine that with twinkling lights above our heads and the bad art beyond us we are truly enjoying these small moments. I try capture our enthusaism for each other in pictures but it doesn't work. We cannot recreate this-- it is new-- it is rare. We are friends enjoying the tall smoky room around us, loving our company, keeping our spirits raw in joy.

What a beautiful night.





currently enjoying: innocence mission--glow

In Search For. . .

The perfect...

Plane ticket!

Today B (aka,the best friend) and I were sitting and chatting, enjoying the hot November weather, and she said something about being glad that she wasn't tied down.

Single and flying free, and for the first time-- enjoying this moment. I wouldn't be going to Europe if I had someone to keep me here.






only a plane ride away...

a new beginning

top three wishes:

1. to become more daring in my everday life

2. to keep secrets better

3. to save the dandelions.

welcome, welcome life.