Crab Apples

I hate not knowing.


Some days it is easier just to just wish you had never been there at that moment...



i just wish things were always easier.

I keep thinking about Merle

The ambiguity of the last post has been bothering me. I probably am not going to make it less so but by writing a new post hopefully I will draw my audience away from the last one.

Someone related to me recently that they felt good about the new relationship that they were in. I asked how that she knew for certain that she was doing the right thing and she replied, rather simply, "I just can't seem to stop thinking about him." Maybe it's the old romantic heart that rests inside of me but I found her words to be truthful and touching and achingly similiar to the same feelings I have right now. I won't divludge anymore on this issue except that I am suddenly happy and am finding myself (in CS Lewis' words) surprised by joy.

In other news:

These rainy Seattle days are rather alluring. I might be idealizing but I think that these misty mornings and cool damp evenings are the poets choice of day. We cannot help but write in weather like this. Unfortunately we cannot be certain that what we write is going to be good.

I researched more literary mags last night. Must must must get published this semester. That would be a good goal to set for myself.

apprehension, i won the spelling bee

i remember vaguely receiving the word: apprehension at a spelling bee. i was correct, i was the champion. funny how life likes to repeat itself. i have just been asked to spell apprehension but despite the fact that i know how to spell the word- i can't seem to get the letters straight... do you know what i mean?

i am apprehensive. maybe b/c i already have the knowledge that i claim i need. maybe this intense and ugly feeling is not because i don't know how to spell the word, but that i know exactly how the word is to be spelled. (are you keeping up with the ambiguity?)

what if... what if i know all about spelling bees and words and at this point, right now, i feel as though i am supposed to play dumb? what if... i think that i should be where i am now...for the rest of my life. . . . will we always be this unhappy? or am i the only one that is unhappy here? what if i am meant to be unhappy so that happiness may exist for the other?

i... well, i don't know the answer. i should mention that i lied anyway. i wasn't the champion- but apprehension kept me in the race to the finals. i was a little let down but the experience was good, i remember that. i also remember knowing that i really didn't lose anything at all except for a little pride and that fact alone is why this analogy could never work. in the end i would lose a whole book of things.

it's just so sweet.

It's Like the Sky Just Fell Right Down On Top of Us

and this whirl wind of a life i am living in right now. my frustration alludes to the fact that i might have lost a bit of my mind after returning to the country. i filled like a scrambled egg mess. in the end of it all the mess takes into account that i haven't fully adjusted to the life here after finally adjusting to life "over there" and now i have assignments and due dates plus a bunch of interesting peoples papers to grade. and then don't forget to add in some peppering of boy and coffee house that steals the heart. . .

oh la la la at least it rained these last few days. i can't help but wonder if england got any of this curious weather. i hope fall rains down in the next few weeks so that slowly as the weather cools the leaves change and by october we have a fantastical explosion of colors that could make anyone melt. (...and i wonder what this autumn will entail?...)

i am overwhelmed, i admit, but i am happy. content and justifiably so. i am just a little scattered.

maybe that part of me fell over the sea.





ps- i had forgotten the timeless classic film singing in the rain and now i am reminded of how truly wonderful and hypnotizing it is- i have fallen victim to Gene Kelly's smile, once again :)

Truly, Save the Dandelions

Calling: All those who have survived the HeatWave (capital HW) and their yards.

Noticed: Lack of dandelions

Cause: intense sunlight, lack of H2O, and the typical response to mow even the brown stuff.

I am distraught. I am upset. I may not be able to complete on full sentence on the terrifying effects of Global Warming. While you and your SUV are cooled perfectly to a splendid 70 degrees please notice (to your left, out your auto window) the lack of nature's true beauty: dandelions.

So what they are considered a weed, the dandelion is one of the most aggressive herbs in the world. Not only is the heatwave killing them softly with its song, the brown crunchy thing that is not grass is also a sad effect on what we used to call grass (this latter substance I believe belongs in the hay and uncomfortable family). Yet you don't see articles printed about the death of dandelions, or for the higher good trees and heysus- even grass! GW (that is: Global Warming) has not received the right media attention. And while I am on the phone everyday dialing SuV dealer's and telling them to take the latest Lexus trend off the line, I know that nothing short of a miracle will stop the madness. Lexus won't listen, the hybrid is still too scary to be driven, dandelions have died, and today it was a freaking gazillion degrees outside-- a bird could die in that heat!

Please- I beg of you. Take this to heart:

Save the Dandelions Ye Merry Soldiers, Save them One Valuable Soul at a Time.

Yum Yum

In order for America to really sink in, it only took on trip to the loo upon arrival. Many airports, train stations, ferry ports later I have only encounter the sani-stall in one place in the whole entire world- chicago ohare airport. the thing is absolutely amazing! first you place your hand in front of a sensor that senses you. then it moves cling wrap around the toilet seat. you are always garaunteed a clean seat! now really- is this necessary? I am just glad that there are sinks in the same area as the loo!

Still though, I could spend about 15 billion hours reflecting on the numerous conversations that began with "Oh you're from the US?" But let's just make a short summary (just in case you were curious): People in the UK generally favour the US citizens, but not Bush (but they have the same feelings towards Blair and the Royals- so there ;-) ). The UK is filled with people from other countries. Sometimes you search desperately to find someone who is british in london. Londoner's love American girls and so do Italians, French men and Grecians. They love us a whole lot and love to tell us that they love us. It's quite charming for a brief second and that's it. A lot of people think that driving more than 2 hours anywhere is plain ignorant. i would agree with them, but it's a neccessity (but almost always if you discuss mileage and distance with londoner's they are shocked by the way we travel). About half the people who discover you are american always ask this question: so what do you think of London? No, really what do you think? -- They cannot imagine a reason to come to the UK when in the US you have everything. But- enough of this!

I am home, home home home home. A strange feeling (maybe it's because I am still technically in an airport). I am a bit overwhelmed but life will sort it's way out- it always does.

stay tuned- i will have more to say later!

Yes, the world is as round as a baguette

But really, who didn't know that?

France: what can you say about Paris? It doesn't smell like I thought it would, it's full of french words that I can actually pronounce but have no clue of their meaning. We had a blast, missed our first train from London and then took the eurostar through the chunnel to the big city. We walked, we talked, we forgot about the H2O in the damned heat and we cursed ourslelves for walking five miles to the louvre, when we could have just taken a bus :-) But then, as night fell, and the lights lit up the Eiffel Tower- day one was not a bust, but the first day of an adventure. The next day we climbed and climbed and climbed to the middle of the eiffel tower (688 steps) and then spent the day admiring the art at the Louvre- until Casie got kicked out for taking illegal pictures (hehehe). Notre Dame was great, a nice place to sit if anything and really feel the weight of gothic architecture.

Day two was a trip in a train (oh-we only traveled by boat and train until the end- we flew) to Venice. But wait- pit stop, in Switzerland? Who knew we would end up there? Especially with cabin friend Chris who went to MoState with the both of us (small small world). Few hours later, switzerland was pretty but italia here we come. And Venice was exactly how I pictured it.

Venice was rows of colored houses and hung laundry and boats in canals. It was street vendors and italian food vendors. It was hecklers on bridges and homeless on church steps. It was tiring (a day and half on a train later) and we were camping. But that night we endured what felt like a tropical storm and spent the evening in a candlelit bar (super romantic if we weren't all wet ;-) ). The next day, Rome.

Rome, in one day on 40 Euros, and were loving it. I had been to Rome once before but the second day around was super. We did everything there was to do except the Vatican (near impossible with a line stretching close to three miles). I finally saw the Piazza di Spagna which was the inspiration for Richard Wilbur's poem of that same name. W e had a beautiful time.

Finally to Greece. Corfu Island, by Ben's suggestion- Sun Rock hostel. This is important- stay there! We swam the clear ocean, got golden tans, and slept and slept on the beach, went the wrong way to a nudist beach, indulged in a mud bath, and ate all sorts of authentic greek food. Met some awesome aussie's (who hasn't really?) and had a dreamy time. I imagine Corfu will be a place I visit again and again.

We ended our trip back at Venice and by that time we had taken all forms of travel but plane, slept in train stations, ferry ports, ferry decks, and beaches, ate nothing, ate big meals, had our first espresso in a week. Nottinghill was tempting but home is even more so. We flew back to London, slept in the airport (haha) and came back to Nottinghill this afternoon. Home sounds good though. I miss faces and hugs and you.

Pictures will be on their way soon as will I.

Much Love,
Meg