I'm back in the saddle again!

I think song titles slash blog titles are interesting. So much has happened in life since the last post. Over a month ago now. Wow. We are confidently giving it another go, if not, very very cautiously. I am putting me first in all of it and if he doesn't like it then that's fine, its just another wall he will have to break down for me. I will not compromise my stance on our relationship. There are things that have to built again, things that have crumbled that will have to be glued, and he has to stay on top of it all in order to win my heart back. I feel empowered. For the first time in a long time I am the one standing ten feet away and saying, "if you want me, baby, come and get me" . . . "but first clean up that mess you left between us."

In other news: I am reading reading reading reading. I need more books. I have thrifted for books eleven days now and no results. I don't want some ooey gooey romance. I want literature, deep and feministic, where the heroine stands tall admist the destruction. I want good prose and awesome style. I don't want to resort to Louie Armour books. Ergh. I found a box of my brothers books (sorry jake but I am breaking into them). Found Virigin Suicides by Eugenedes...been wanting to read that for awhile. Good!

I finally have some jobs to do. Part-time at Pier1 and Jeff City Public Schools as a Sub. In the meantime I still won't be breaking even. Isn't that the stupidest thing- two jobs, 1/2 the bills, and I am still not breaking even.

Lord help me!

xoxo -m.

Lonely Hearts Club...Yeah

Whoever said that it was better to lose love than to have never loved at all is very mistaken. It is not better to know love and then to begin to unknow it. Today is my first course...How do you completely abandon all the love that you have for someone? Especially all that future love you put your stock in. Stupid stock market. I have never been so hurt in my life. I chose to tell the man in question (the one I am in love with) that I would stay with him like I would if he were married to me...through it all. But he just doesn't know. He just doesn't know if I am worth it to go through some humiliation (b/c he did something wrong and I believe he must own up to it by resolving his mistakes instead of letting them dissolve). And I have friends who say its not worth it to stay, a beautiful mother who said I can come home if I want, and then me who is begging to not lose one of the best things in my life. How do you come to the point where it is okay to leave. He says he is sorry but doesn't want to resolve it. He doesn't want to tell the truth to the people involved. He would rather it just dissipate...but does that happen, really? You can bank on the fact that *she* is invested in something more and won't let it go. He wants until Sunday...not today or tomorrow but the end of the week to make a decision. How can it take someone a week to decide whether or not they love you enough?

This is a rant/this is not good. It's the only therapy I have right now. I suggested counseling. He poopooed it. I suggested "let's runaway together, start all over," he is tied by his responsiblities (which, by the way, is next to none). I suggested, "just tell the truth, let's redeem our lives," and he just said, maybe. Am I in the wrong? Am I acting out in anger in frustration? Am I asking him to do something ridiculously stupid?

Back to my question: May anyone who stumbles on this give me a response: How do you begin to unlove somebody?