top ten things to do with autumn approaching

1. Read in the park with a thermos of tea

2. work on drafts of poems on a picnic table somewhere

3. dance and play leaves that someone has raked up in their yard

4. go on long hikes

5. play on empty playgrounds

6. watch a movie on cloudy afternoons with bunches of blankets and pillows

7. go for a drive to somewhere new

8. pick out pumpkins

9. have a bonfire party

10. take sunset strolls, enjoying the sun on the dying leaves

Crab Apples

I hate not knowing.


Some days it is easier just to just wish you had never been there at that moment...



i just wish things were always easier.

I keep thinking about Merle

The ambiguity of the last post has been bothering me. I probably am not going to make it less so but by writing a new post hopefully I will draw my audience away from the last one.

Someone related to me recently that they felt good about the new relationship that they were in. I asked how that she knew for certain that she was doing the right thing and she replied, rather simply, "I just can't seem to stop thinking about him." Maybe it's the old romantic heart that rests inside of me but I found her words to be truthful and touching and achingly similiar to the same feelings I have right now. I won't divludge anymore on this issue except that I am suddenly happy and am finding myself (in CS Lewis' words) surprised by joy.

In other news:

These rainy Seattle days are rather alluring. I might be idealizing but I think that these misty mornings and cool damp evenings are the poets choice of day. We cannot help but write in weather like this. Unfortunately we cannot be certain that what we write is going to be good.

I researched more literary mags last night. Must must must get published this semester. That would be a good goal to set for myself.

apprehension, i won the spelling bee

i remember vaguely receiving the word: apprehension at a spelling bee. i was correct, i was the champion. funny how life likes to repeat itself. i have just been asked to spell apprehension but despite the fact that i know how to spell the word- i can't seem to get the letters straight... do you know what i mean?

i am apprehensive. maybe b/c i already have the knowledge that i claim i need. maybe this intense and ugly feeling is not because i don't know how to spell the word, but that i know exactly how the word is to be spelled. (are you keeping up with the ambiguity?)

what if... what if i know all about spelling bees and words and at this point, right now, i feel as though i am supposed to play dumb? what if... i think that i should be where i am now...for the rest of my life. . . . will we always be this unhappy? or am i the only one that is unhappy here? what if i am meant to be unhappy so that happiness may exist for the other?

i... well, i don't know the answer. i should mention that i lied anyway. i wasn't the champion- but apprehension kept me in the race to the finals. i was a little let down but the experience was good, i remember that. i also remember knowing that i really didn't lose anything at all except for a little pride and that fact alone is why this analogy could never work. in the end i would lose a whole book of things.

it's just so sweet.